Patience, Grasshopper!

ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K, so someone should have mentioned that trying to get a babe to the breast when mama has PPD is no small feat! Whooooo boy… my emotions have been ALL over the place here lately and I am frustrated!

After my last post, things went downhill – she started flat out refusing the breast. AND refusing to be held as well. She was happier laying down in her crib by herself than being held by me. ESPECIALLY if the boppy was in view. Oh my goodness… phew.. what a weekend that was!

So I backed off a bit and went back to square one after our breastfeeding support group on the 18th. Square one consisted of just getting her comfortable with being held in the cradle position with my shirt on. Once she was comfy with that (which took all of two days), we moved onto the cradle hold with no shirt. And this past monday, she actually found my nipple all by herself and licked at it and showed interest. However, NO further interest this week at all yet. UGH!

And we got a bit of bad news last week – there’s a possibility that she is tongue-tied on top of the cleft palate & Pierre Robin bit. SO there’s that to overcome now as well. I have to admit that I was feeling a bit defeated on the 19th when her cranio-facial doc delivered this news. I went to a La Leche league meeting that evening and the leader there successfully breastfed her two tongue tied daughters so I’m feeling a bit empowered by that even though we haven’t had a lot of success this week at all. I am coming to the realization that direct breastfeeding may never happen. But if it doesn’t, at least I know that I am committed to giving it my all and I can never regret that I didn’t try. I can also rest easy knowing that Charlotte has been given a very loving nutritionally superior start to life and that it’s what she needed to help her through her surgeries. Holding her as she’s tube fed and looking into her eyes is reward enough. I have a picture of our first daughter breastfeeding directly from the breast and I had hoped to have the same picture with our second child. But I feel that it will be a different kind of picture but at least she will be getting “breastfed” even if it’s not directly from the breast. It’s very very hard for me to write this post and please understand that I am by no means giving up. I am trying to keep my hopes from getting too high – i need to realize that this is going to be a marathon and not a sprint and that we may not finish the way I had hoped. But we’re certainly giving it our all and in the end, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination!

Charlotte tolerated the breast at every feed today. I won’t be BF’ing her at her 1am feed b/c I am about to go to bed. At 830p she was fussy and I latched her on around 845p. She calmed down in less than a minute and genuinely tried to nurse for about 30min or so. She even fell asleep and continued to try and nurse – not just gumming either. I am definitely feeling good after today. Even if she doesn’t end up nursing for nutrition, at least I will KNOW that we gave it our best shot and it is a source of comfort for BOTH of us!

-lauren

Charlotte nursed every feeding today. She tried more than she ever has before and actually continuously mouthed and/or nursed! I won’t be BF’ing at her 1am feeding (in 45min) because I am exhausted. But it’s reassuring that she’s at least starting to try. She’s also calming down much faster than she was when I put her to the breast as well as continuing to nurse even when she’s fallen asleep. And i don’t mean just gumming – it’s nursing. And hey, even if this turns out to be nothing more than what we’re doing right now then at least I will rest easy knowing that I did my very best!

We’ve tried BF’ing twice today. Both times she didn’t really “nurse” but was definitely mouthing and trying somewhat the entire time and guess what… both times were OVER 30 minutes long! Yes, you read that right. She’s tolerated the breast CALMLY for about an hour total so far. wooohooo. Now if we can just get past this “Um, what is that and why is it squirting into my mouth?” freak out moment, I think we’ll have it! She knows what to do to get a let-down going and knows how to use her jaw to suck at the breast… just gotta get over this fear of milk in her mouth! Next nursing will be in about 30minutes or so and for an extra bonus today, I’m ahead about two feedings with my pumping output today so that stress is alleviated for me. That may be helping her actually – being that I’m not so stressed out she’s probably sensing it and relaxing more as well.

Here’s to more success!

I won’t name names because that’s not how I operate but I recently received an email telling me that I should give up on trying to breastfeed charlotte and choose one bottle to move forward with. Um, yeah, ok, whatever.

Charlotte nursed the best that she’s nursed yet today – one time was for almost three whole minutes (WITH a huge let-down!) and the other one was maybe just for a minute. (she was sleepy!) She will stare at my chest and smack her lips together… she obviously wants to figure this all out and there’s NO REASON that we can’t do this now that her palate has been completely repaired. No wonder moms of cleft babies don’t try to nurse. We’re constantly being told that we can’t or that it’s just not possible at EVERY turn. Granted, I am not expecting amazing instant success, but a slow steady road will hopefully net some great results. So PPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHTTTTT to all you naysayers!

BF’ing hasn’t been going great this week.

However, I decided to see if Charlotte would take a bottle today. And she took the Haberman just fine. So at her next feeding I decided to try a regular bottle. She was a bit slow but she did just great. She took three regular bottles today! I am still going to work on the breastfeeding, but in my personal opinion, the more action she gets with her mouth and learning how to work things with the palate, the better. Plus the faster we can get the oral feeds going on a regular basis, the faster we’ll be done with the g-tube. I can always try to BF’d before a bottle just as well as I was trying before a g-tube feeding. Definitely don’t want her getting lazy and thinking that she doesn’t have to work at ALL in order to feel full. She couldn’t have a paci for 3wks post-repair per doctor’s orders and as we are taking this opportunity to wean her off of it, we really don’t have anything to replace it with for oral stimulation during feeds. We were trying the breast but that just wasn’t working. Plus she was doing more comfort nursing than anything and that was leaving me with little to no time to pump. So this way, I pump, give her a bottle, and then we’re done. In a few days I will be pumping, trying to breastfeed, then giving her a bottle. Hopefully things will continue to go well and we’ll be able to BF’d but for right now, I just want to give her a chance to exercise her new mouth!

We went to church this morning so no BF’ing first thing – we overslept! (oops!) Ended up going out to lunch with the family and once we got home I had *planned* on taking a nap. Apparently Charlotte had other plans….and a desperate need for a pacifier. So no nap for me. She didn’t nurse really, just needed me to fall asleep.

We went over to Chris’ parents house for dinner when Alli got up from her nap so another tube feeding. When we got home, Charlotte was being fussy so I decided to try and nurse to calm her down. She nursed pretty well for almost three minutes – deep GOOD sucks and she was clearly getting something because she would swallow and do that eye-close dream world thing that all babies do when they’re happily nursing away. She’s still freaking out about the milk but not about it in her mouth, now she freaks out when it comes time to have to swallow. Another step in the right direction. We’re still stumbling here and there but that’s to be expected. I think we’re making terrific progress considering tomorrow will be just two weeks out from her cleft repair. I am very proud of her (and of me).

The hard part for me now is adjusting to our “new” routine. I had become so laissez faire with being able to hook her up to her pump and feed her or have her take a bottle in less than 5 minutes that adjusting to her wanting to be at the breast nearly 24/7 is really wearing me out. It’s like having a newborn all over again but she’s five months old! I feel kind of guilty for not wanting to BF’d her sometimes because I’ve worked SO hard towards this goal but I guess in a way it’s to be expected because it IS such a huge adjustment. With our first, it was on demand nursing and that’s the way it was… with Charlotte, we’ve been on a schedule since she was born and that schedule is slowly creeping it’s way out the door. You think I’d be happy to see it go but in a weird way I’m not. I know that once we get things really rolling in this department I’ll feel better about everything and I AM thrilled at how well she’s doing with nursing. Shocked, actually. I am looking forward to many more nursing experiences with her, whatever they may be!

Chris woke me up at 4a because nothing was calming her down and she kept rooting at his chest. So in that lovely sleepy daze I put her to my breast and about 5-10min later after NO nursing, sound asleep with my nipple firmly in her mouth. *sigh*

Same thing this morning at 9a and then later at the in-laws during a football game, as well as at home this afternoon too. No nursing, just the sanctity and safety of hanging onto mommy. Guess I should be happy that she is at least getting comfy with the general idea and this is a step in the right direction. But SHEEESH & *le sigh* I thought the older they get, the more sleep we parents are supposed to get. Why is this backwards?!?!?!?!?!

But seriously, I’ll take what I can get at this point. She’ll get mad and wake up if my nipple comes out of her mouth which is slightly humourous and frustrating all at the same time. Guess my next email to an LC will be about how to get her to actually nurse at the breast instead of latching on and falling asleep. I’ve been putting her to the breast whenever she’s getting tube fed so she’ll HOPEFULLY start to associate being at the breast with getting full and I’ve been scaling back her amounts via the tube because she has been doing SOME nursing but not enough to get an entire meal. I think one of my biggest challenges is going to be getting used to breastfeeding and that routine vs. the measured amount & “precise” schedule that we’ve been on since birth.