Patience, Grasshopper!

Well folks, it’s been an interesting journey. Unfortunately the destination was not the one I was hoping for. Charlotte is still adamantly refusing the breast and I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. I have done my best since the day she was born. I’ve been exclusively pumping faithfully, even in the early days when I wasn’t getting anything and wondering if this was a road worthy of treading down. And I have my answer. It certainly was. I will remember the short moments of her needing me and nursing. Gulping down milk directly from my breast. And i will certainly remember all the time at the pump. It’ll be a bittersweet memory but at least I’ll rest knowing that I have done my best and tried everything that I knew to help her breastfeed. I can’t force her to do something she just can’t and frankly, at this point, I don’t think she’s going to suddenly have that magic moment I’ve been memorializing in my mind. I thought that post-repair would be easier but it’s actually been harder. Emotionally and physically. My time at the pump is starting to come between my ability to care for my family and I’ve reached my goal. My original goal was to pump at LEAST through her surgeries. And I surpassed that by almost two months. Charlotte has been getting MM for 7 whole months today. There are quite a few breastfeeding moms who don’t even make it to that point. It’s hard to admit that I’m stopping. I feel guilty and I cried on the way home from buying formula this morning. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do for my family and we will be better off for it. I’ve also realized that I’ve somewhat resented Charlotte for having to pump for her, even though it is in NO WAY her fault. Would I do anything differently? Sure. I would have supplemented AT The breast from the beginning. SNS, something – anything. Just to have her used to the breast instead of the bottle! But I still would have pumped just as faithfully. THAT I would not have changed. I don’t think I will regret this decision as it is one that I have been struggling with for a few months and finally feel right about making. BF’ing just may not be the way that Charlotte and I are meant to bond and maybe now we can set about truly being the mother and daughter that we were meant to be. I had so hoped that we would be different – that we would buck the system and become a happy breastfeeding pair. But we are not and I will mourn the loss of that relationship and at the same time try and celebrate our new relationship.

To other moms who have faced and will face breastfeeding challenges – please remember that YOU are the one who needs to decide if you are OK with stopping (unless there’s a serious medical reason for you to stop) and no one else can feel what you feel. My sister in law (who also pumped for a short time for her baby) said something last night – BF’ing is the ONE thing that only I can do for her – maybe that’s why it’s so hard to give up – and that makes a lot of sense. And if you decide to stop, you are stopping, not quitting. You need to do whatever is BEST For your family and while you may feel it is breastmilk, sometimes you have to stop and think about yourself too and let go, even if it is hard. I admire moms who have pumped for 1yr or more – I honestly don’t know how they do it. Me, I’m impressed with my 7 months and I will never forget what I have done. I had my husband take a picture of me giving Charlotte a bottle of pure MM and I will probably have him take a pic of me pumping at some point this weekend too. I want to be able to show Charlotte what she meant to me and how much I loved her when she was a baby. I’m going to close now before I REALLY start rambling and getting even more teared up.