Patience, Grasshopper!

Oh the emotions…

breastfeedingcharlotte — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 20:41:32 +0000

Charlotte latched for the last time about two weeks or so ago. She did so peacefully and it didn’t last long. Right before she “popped” off, she looked up at me as if to say “It’s ok, we gave it our best.” And I felt sad and happy at the same time. Sad because the relationship I dreamed about just never materialized. Happy because she gave me such a wonderful gift by letting me know it was ok.

I’m still struggling whenever I go to buy formula for her. We have WIC and wow, what a fight with them to get the right formula for her. (They switched to a brand that she just cannot tolerate – can anyone say projectile?) So when I go to buy formula I am just bracing for someone to say “Don’t you know breastmilk is best?” and I can honestly say that I have no idea what I will say or do at this point. I don’t know if I possess the will to be nice to this person. I’d like to think that I do – really and truly. But until it happens, I just don’t know what I will do or say. And it may never happen – but I have heard several horror stories both in real life and on the message boards I participate in about women being approached and haggled b/c they’re purchasing formula for their infants. I do know one thing though – that person will most certainly be directed to Charlotte’s blogs so they’ll understand just who they made that comment to and about.

It certainly has not been an easy road with Charlotte. But there is one positive to all of this… Charlotte and I are closer than ever now. She even gave me a kiss the other day (and has yet to kiss anyone else!) We love to cuddle, play, and grow our wonderful mother/daughter relationship. I’m also happier than I have been since her birth. I know I made the right decision. Now I just worry about defending that decision to a complete stranger. Although ya know what – I really shouldn’t have to worry about that. I KNOW I did the right thing. And once they read her blogs, they’ll know too.

Soft Palate not split! :-)

breastfeedingcharlotte — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 15:58:21 +0000

Our Ped was simply gushing over how well Charlotte looked and is doing. She weighed in at 16.5 lbs and was 27.5 in long. He said she looks amazing and couldn’t stop saying it! LOL. I tell you what – that makes you feel GREAT as a parent. He said the soft palate is not split – which was good news. No more appts until January! Woohooo!

Welcome Motherwear Readers!

breastfeedingcharlotte — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 15:56:48 +0000

Welcome to my blog. I am very honoured that Tanya has chosen to write about our journey. I hope that mothers and LC’s alike will be able to glean something from our struggle and please feel free to email with any questions you may have for me as I will be more than happy to answer them!

The Beauty of the Breastfeeding Community

breastfeedingcharlotte — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 21:23:53 +0000

I was honoured to have Tanya Lieberman of the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog come across my lonely little blog and ask if she could feature it at her blog. Today was the big day and I have discovered that once someone posts something, it tends to snowball. And that is the beauty of the breastfeeding Community. I adore how supportive and empowering everyone I have come in contact with through Tanya has been of our journey. When it first began, I was not thinking ahead of sharing my story – I was clinging to anything and screaming to survive. My husband was the one who started blogging about Charlotte’s medical information so that we wouldn’t have to repeat the information over and over again. This is what gave me inspiration to start my breastfeeding blog and I stayed motivated to do so due to the lack of available information applying to my situation. As I stated at the CLC training – I fell into a huge gaping hole and now that I am aware of its presence, there is no way that I can just walk away without filling that hole properly. I feel I can do that through sharing my story and through becoming a LC specializing in the care and guidance of moms with cleft babies. With my first pregnancy I became a huge advocate for women advocating for themselves with their pregnancy care and their delivery as well as PPD care. With this pregnancy, it’s breastfeeding and PPD, two topics that have become very near and dear to my heart. So I guess you could say that March 21, 2006 was not only the birth of Charlotte Elizabeth, but the birth of a new activist for women – making sure they get the right care, support, and guidance in a very unsure world!

At it again… thanks to a CLC course!

breastfeedingcharlotte — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 19:53:13 +0000

Well dear readers, I am at it again.

Charlotte and I are again treading down the path of breastfeeding. I was given a gift by a local WIC department – a scholarship for a Certified Lactation Counselor course taught by the wonderful folks at Healthy Children (www.healthychildren.cc) I got to meet Cindy Maffei-Turner and Karin Cadwell who were both gracious enough to allow me to speak on day 4 of the training regarding my trials and tribulations with Charlotte. I handed out a reference sheet that will hopefully be used by those who attended the training. I tried to put an emphasis on the lack of support I had from the professional community in hopes that maybe those who attended the training would realize that just because a woman has a baby with a cleft palate does not mean she won’t want to breastfeed that child. Another important note is that when you are dealing with a cleft mom, it is of the utmost importance that you deal with HER Situation and don’t tell her that normal approaches will work. Or just tell her to DO something like “take baths” or “be patient” these very phrases are what frustrate us. We need to be told HOW to do it as we may not have experienced breastfeeding problems in the past. We need continued support and knowledgeable support. Please don’t brush us off if you don’t know what to tell us. Find out what we need to know or refer us to someone who can help us. Fostering the breastfeeding relationship is just as important to us and we need more guidance at this time than we ever have before.

As for Charlotte and I – we are doing a LOT of skin to skin, and she’s been familarizing herself with my breasts. My two year old seems to think that the left one is Charlotte’s and the right one is hers although she’s not nursing anymore. I plan on co-bathing with her this week as well and seeing if that goes anywhere. I have not started to pump again and don’t plan to so if this is not successful, then it will be the end of it. I previously posted that Charlotte hadn’t been tube fed for 56 hours. I am pleased to report that she has not been tube fed since Oct. 28th and doing well with the Haberman. Unfortunately we think her soft palate may have re-opened which may be impairing her ability to use a normal bottle. We are having that checked on thursday.

No tube feedings for 56 hours! (over two days!)

breastfeedingcharlotte — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 14:57:21 +0000

Well, giving up the pump seems to have done something to Charlotte – she has been taking oral feeds via the Haberman now for over two days. And yesterday she even took a bottle at the IL’s house – the first FULL bottle she’s ever taken anywhere but home – I was certainly impressed. We are bonding much better and we are both much happier with this new arrangement. It took my two year old some getting used to Mama not making milk anymore but she seems to be adjusting just fine now too. She sat down to BF’d her baby doll the other day – so at least I’ve impressed something on her during this journey as well. The next goal is to get Charlotte to take regular oral feeds with a regular bottle instead of the Haberman. But for now, I’ll take what I can get!

I know this is a breastfeeding blog but I just wanted to post a quick “epilogue” if you will about what’s going on post-breastfeeding in case any of you were curious.

-lauren

The post I hoped not to write – but I hope will be an inspiration for other moms

breastfeedingcharlotte — Sat, 21 Oct 2006 12:07:06 +0000

Well folks, it’s been an interesting journey. Unfortunately the destination was not the one I was hoping for. Charlotte is still adamantly refusing the breast and I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. I have done my best since the day she was born. I’ve been exclusively pumping faithfully, even in the early days when I wasn’t getting anything and wondering if this was a road worthy of treading down. And I have my answer. It certainly was. I will remember the short moments of her needing me and nursing. Gulping down milk directly from my breast. And i will certainly remember all the time at the pump. It’ll be a bittersweet memory but at least I’ll rest knowing that I have done my best and tried everything that I knew to help her breastfeed. I can’t force her to do something she just can’t and frankly, at this point, I don’t think she’s going to suddenly have that magic moment I’ve been memorializing in my mind. I thought that post-repair would be easier but it’s actually been harder. Emotionally and physically. My time at the pump is starting to come between my ability to care for my family and I’ve reached my goal. My original goal was to pump at LEAST through her surgeries. And I surpassed that by almost two months. Charlotte has been getting MM for 7 whole months today. There are quite a few breastfeeding moms who don’t even make it to that point. It’s hard to admit that I’m stopping. I feel guilty and I cried on the way home from buying formula this morning. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do for my family and we will be better off for it. I’ve also realized that I’ve somewhat resented Charlotte for having to pump for her, even though it is in NO WAY her fault. Would I do anything differently? Sure. I would have supplemented AT The breast from the beginning. SNS, something – anything. Just to have her used to the breast instead of the bottle! But I still would have pumped just as faithfully. THAT I would not have changed. I don’t think I will regret this decision as it is one that I have been struggling with for a few months and finally feel right about making. BF’ing just may not be the way that Charlotte and I are meant to bond and maybe now we can set about truly being the mother and daughter that we were meant to be. I had so hoped that we would be different – that we would buck the system and become a happy breastfeeding pair. But we are not and I will mourn the loss of that relationship and at the same time try and celebrate our new relationship.

To other moms who have faced and will face breastfeeding challenges – please remember that YOU are the one who needs to decide if you are OK with stopping (unless there’s a serious medical reason for you to stop) and no one else can feel what you feel. My sister in law (who also pumped for a short time for her baby) said something last night – BF’ing is the ONE thing that only I can do for her – maybe that’s why it’s so hard to give up – and that makes a lot of sense. And if you decide to stop, you are stopping, not quitting. You need to do whatever is BEST For your family and while you may feel it is breastmilk, sometimes you have to stop and think about yourself too and let go, even if it is hard. I admire moms who have pumped for 1yr or more – I honestly don’t know how they do it. Me, I’m impressed with my 7 months and I will never forget what I have done. I had my husband take a picture of me giving Charlotte a bottle of pure MM and I will probably have him take a pic of me pumping at some point this weekend too. I want to be able to show Charlotte what she meant to me and how much I loved her when she was a baby. I’m going to close now before I REALLY start rambling and getting even more teared up.

Deep Breath, Scream, Deep Breath…..

breastfeedingcharlotte — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 23:14:01 +0000

ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K, so someone should have mentioned that trying to get a babe to the breast when mama has PPD is no small feat! Whooooo boy… my emotions have been ALL over the place here lately and I am frustrated!

After my last post, things went downhill – she started flat out refusing the breast. AND refusing to be held as well. She was happier laying down in her crib by herself than being held by me. ESPECIALLY if the boppy was in view. Oh my goodness… phew.. what a weekend that was!

So I backed off a bit and went back to square one after our breastfeeding support group on the 18th. Square one consisted of just getting her comfortable with being held in the cradle position with my shirt on. Once she was comfy with that (which took all of two days), we moved onto the cradle hold with no shirt. And this past monday, she actually found my nipple all by herself and licked at it and showed interest. However, NO further interest this week at all yet. UGH!

And we got a bit of bad news last week – there’s a possibility that she is tongue-tied on top of the cleft palate & Pierre Robin bit. SO there’s that to overcome now as well. I have to admit that I was feeling a bit defeated on the 19th when her cranio-facial doc delivered this news. I went to a La Leche league meeting that evening and the leader there successfully breastfed her two tongue tied daughters so I’m feeling a bit empowered by that even though we haven’t had a lot of success this week at all. I am coming to the realization that direct breastfeeding may never happen. But if it doesn’t, at least I know that I am committed to giving it my all and I can never regret that I didn’t try. I can also rest easy knowing that Charlotte has been given a very loving nutritionally superior start to life and that it’s what she needed to help her through her surgeries. Holding her as she’s tube fed and looking into her eyes is reward enough. I have a picture of our first daughter breastfeeding directly from the breast and I had hoped to have the same picture with our second child. But I feel that it will be a different kind of picture but at least she will be getting “breastfed” even if it’s not directly from the breast. It’s very very hard for me to write this post and please understand that I am by no means giving up. I am trying to keep my hopes from getting too high – i need to realize that this is going to be a marathon and not a sprint and that we may not finish the way I had hoped. But we’re certainly giving it our all and in the end, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination!

Successful day!

breastfeedingcharlotte — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 08:13:43 +0000

Charlotte tolerated the breast at every feed today. I won’t be BF’ing her at her 1am feed b/c I am about to go to bed. At 830p she was fussy and I latched her on around 845p. She calmed down in less than a minute and genuinely tried to nurse for about 30min or so. She even fell asleep and continued to try and nurse – not just gumming either. I am definitely feeling good after today. Even if she doesn’t end up nursing for nutrition, at least I will KNOW that we gave it our best shot and it is a source of comfort for BOTH of us!

-lauren

Total Success day!

breastfeedingcharlotte — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 20:14:46 +0000

Charlotte nursed every feeding today. She tried more than she ever has before and actually continuously mouthed and/or nursed! I won’t be BF’ing at her 1am feeding (in 45min) because I am exhausted. But it’s reassuring that she’s at least starting to try. She’s also calming down much faster than she was when I put her to the breast as well as continuing to nurse even when she’s fallen asleep. And i don’t mean just gumming – it’s nursing. And hey, even if this turns out to be nothing more than what we’re doing right now then at least I will rest easy knowing that I did my very best!